J Query Love

Marriage & Relationship Maintenance

Marriage is an interpersonal relationship with governmental, social, or religious recognition, usually intimate and sexual, and often created as a contract, or through civil process. Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage.

The most common form of marriage unites a man and a woman as husband and wife. Other forms of marriage also exist; for example, polygamy, in which a person takes more than one spouse (marriage partner), is common in many societies.Beginning in 2001, civil marriage in some places has been expanded to include same-sex marriage.

The reasons people marry vary, but usually include one or more of the following: legal, social and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love.

A marriage is often declared by a wedding ceremony,which may be performed by a religious officiator, through a similar government-sanctioned secular officiator, or (in weddings that have no church or state affiliation) by a trusted friend of the wedding participants. The act of marriage usually creates obligations between the individuals involved, and in many societies, their extended families.

Find a partner

In order to get married, it is necessary to find a suitable partner. A partner may be found by the person wishing to be married via a process of courtship. Alternately, two marriage-able people may be matched by a third party, typically with the match finalized only if both candidates approve the union. This is known as an arranged marriage.

The choice between courtship and arranged marriage is made by the person seeking marriage or by his or her parents. In some cases, the parents will be ready to force an arranged marriage because of cultural tradition (e.g., in the Middle East) or for some other special reason (e.g., dowry). It is worth noting, however, that in many cases the person seeking marriage is comfortable with having his or her marriage arranged and, even disregarding parental preference, would freely choose an arranged marriage. Actual forced marriage is common in only a few communities and often attracts harsh criticism even from people who are generally in favor of arranged marriage.

Given a choice, the preference for the method of courtship or arranged marriage is determined by whether a person believes that marriage should be based on emotion or logic. At one end of the scale is a person who believes that there is only one unique “soul mate” suitable for them. A partner is typically chosen based on the depth of emotional connection experienced with their partner during the courtship phase of the relationship. At the other end of the scale is a person who believes that there are many suitable partners, and typically views marriage chiefly as a means to start a family. The deep emotional bond between partners characteristic of good marriages is more likely to be viewed as something which can be developed through nurture and cultivation with any suitable partner. Most people fall somewhere between these two extremes.

Rights and obligations

Marriage sometimes establishes the legal father of a woman’s child; establishes the legal mother of a man’s child; gives the husband or his family control over the wife’s sexual services, labor, and/or property; gives the wife or her family control over the husband’s sexual services, labor, and/or property; establishes a joint fund of property for the benefit of children; or establishes a relationship between the families of the husband and wife. No society ascribes all of these rights to marriage, and none are universal (see Edmund Leach’s article in “Marriage, Family, and Residence,” edited by Paul Bohannan and John Middleton).

Marriage is not a prerequisite for having children. In the U.S., the National Center for Health Statistics reported that in 1992, 30.1 percent of births were to unmarried women. Some married couples remain childless by choice or due to infertility, age, or other factors preventing reproduction. In some cultures, marriage imposes upon women the obligation to bear children. In northern Ghana, for example, payment of bridewealth signifies a woman’s requirement to bear children, and women using birth control face substantial threats of physical abuse and reprisals.

Most of the world’s major religions tell couples they should marry before having sexual intercourse.They teach that unmarried people should not have sex, which they refer to as fornication. Fornication is sometimes socially discouraged or even criminalized. Sex with a married person other than one’s spouse, called adultery, is universally condemned by all major world religions, and has often been criminalized. It is also against the governing law of the U.S. military. Nevertheless, three recent studies in the U.S. using nationally representative samples have found that about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men engage in extramarital sex.

Relationship Maintenance

Relationship maintenance comprises behaviors partners perform in order to maintain satisfaction and extend the duration of a relationship.

The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples, yielding positive, neutral, and negative outcomes. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. Still other couples experience serious problems and report that open marriage contributed to their divorces. Scientists do not yet understand why some couples respond positively to open marriage while other couples respond negatively.

Scientists cannot yet explain why some couples respond positively to open marriage while other couples respond negatively. Nor can they predict which couples will respond positively or negatively. Consequently, all couples involved in open marriages may want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

The topic of relationship maintenance behaviors is far too broad to cover in a single article. The strategies for maintaining relationships described below are simply a few examples. Readers should be aware there are many strategies for maintaining healthy and happy relationships other than the ones mentioned here.

Six ground rules for managing conflict and maintaining good marital relationships:

• When conflict is escalating, we will call a Time Out or Stop Action and either (a) try it again, using the Speaker-Listener technique or (b) agree to talk about the issue later, at a specified time, using the Speaker-Listener technique.

• When we’re having trouble communicating, we will use the Speaker-Listener technique.

• When we’re using the Speaker-Listener technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution (i.e., we will discuss the nature of the problem before jumping too quickly to finding solutions).

• We can bring up issues at any time, but a partner can say: “This is not a good time.” If a partner doesn’t want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.

• We will have weekly “couple’s meetings.”

• We will make time for the great things: fun, friendship, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

The Speaker-Listener technique is a strategy for making communication more emotionally safe. It consists of three sets of rules. Rules that apply to both the Speaker and the Listener are:

• The speaker has the floor.

• Share the floor (i.e., take turns being Speaker).

• No problem solving.

The next set of rules apply to the Speaker:

• Speak for yourself.

• Don’t go on and on.

• Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

The final set of rules apply to the Listener:

• Paraphrase what you hear.

• Focus on the speaker’s message.

• Don’t rebut the speaker.

Using the Speaker-Listener technique in the context of the six ground rules can help couples maintain happier and longer-lasting relationships. Further readres can find more golden rules for a happy and successful marriage at www.vivahkalash.com , a matrimonial website which provides a healthy platform to it’s subscribers to find out the best possible match. The vivahkalash is a fastest growing matrimonial community in India and other countries like US, UAE, UK, Canada and Pakistan with subscribers base of more than 1 million.

To your happy & successful marriage life

Siddhartha Pandey

There are few days that compare to your Florida wedding day, especially if you are the bride. Typically, this is the day you have been waiting for all your life and you want to make sure it is an unforgettable experience. To make sure you make the most of this special occasion, take advantage of a Florida beach wedding. Most Florida beach weddings are romantic and they have became a great destination location for beach weddings. Many brides and grooms will travel from many states to have a Florida Beach Wedding in the following locations:

Destin,Panama City Beach,Pensacola,Perdido Key,Sandestin,Miramar beach,Navarre,Seaside,Grayton,Miami,Cocoa beach,Tampa,Sarasota,Daytona,Clearwater,Key West,for beach weddings in Fl, and also in Alabama in:Gulf Shores,Orange Beach,Fort Morgan,Palmetto for romantic sunset beach weddings in Alabama. 

There are several benefits to having Florida beach weddings. No matter how many people you are wanting to invite or how much money you are looking to spend, you can make it work with a beach wedding. So why should you consider Florida weddings for your special date? One is that all beach weddings will have that special feeling of having a wedding that is special. A beach wedding is much different in many ways!

If you are looking to have a smaller beach wedding, you no longer need to worry about being forced to invite certain guests. If there are friends you have not seen for awhile or certain relatives you cannot stand, you will have an excuse for not inviting them. As bad as it sounds, it allows you to invite only your closest friends and family so that you can enjoy an intimate ceremony and celebration. With a smaller beach wedding you will have a photographer that will capture all the wedding ceremony. This will be one of the most magical factors of you wedding knowing that all the time it is being captured by photo’s to enjoy for years to come.

For the guests that do make it to your Florida wedding and Alabama Beach Weddings you can look at it as a vacation with all of the closest people in your life. Instead of spending one day with the people that matter so much like a traditional wedding, you will have far more time to spend with them. There are numerous activities for you to enjoy on the beach with your guests.

Unlike what you may believe, it can actually cost you less to spend a luxurious wedding weekend on Florida beach weddings as oppose to spending on a sit down dinner at a reception hall. There are incredible deals and packages for you to take advantage of. Take the time to pick out the most appropriate package for your wedding.

Not only can it be less expensive, but having a wedding on the beach is a dream come true for most people. There is nothing more romantic than getting married next to swaying waves, a cool breeze, and a warm climate. This truly is a dreamy wedding.

There are few days that match up to your wedding day in regards to importance. This is the day where you and the love of your life will become one. To make sure this is an unforgettable day, make the most of it by taking advantage of one of the many Florida beach weddings.

Marriage and Sex Patterns- Sociological Approach – Part Two

Hasan Yahya, Ph.D

In the Arab culture: Sex in Arab and Muslim countries is a taboo to be even mentioned. Sex is a part of maturity of the male and female to perform a husband-wife responsibilities.  In such culture, women as well as men do not believe in having sex outside marriage. Those who had sex with partners are always afraid of getting pregnant. Such an act outside wedlock is prohibited and even punishable by family before court intervention. In many cases, depending on the social environment, women usually pay for that offence, rather than men. Arabic culture is a totally male dominated culture. The father, or the elder brother take the role of defending the family honor by killing the woman while others are witnessing. In most cases if they were convicted, they will feel proud of themselves, in addition, the court will not perceive the killing as a first degree murder, and a token sentence will be made, which is undermining women’s human rights in this case.  This is the general fear for most women who are in love with partners outside the family circle.

 In the Gulf area and elsewhere in the Arab and Muslim world, women usually have sex . They are engaged when alone with partners embracing, kissing, and fondling, but not through organs which may lead to pregnancy. Therefore, women give permission to use the other methods but without intercourse. It is much safer in that case than real intercourse. Women, especially young girls are very sharp aggressors in this case, when they are fond of someone else older than them, whither they are teachers, drivers, or even sale people, The Gulf States women find their ways to have sex no matter dangerous that was. What they want is what is matter and rarely accept defeat in their multiple attempts. This is encouraged by parent absence, the availability of money in the hands , and the availability of cars.

 The internet, these days increases the possibilities of having friends to have sex away from family house, several attempts of suicide usually committed by girls after the discovery of pregnancy, and the refusal of offenders to marriage  commitment. Most of these suicide attempts are unreported and covered for the honor of the family which is practiced in all Arab and Muslim countries.

 Sex and Marriage in the Arab countries: Marriage is encouraged in early years after eighteen years of age in most Arab countries, But the economic crunch, lead many young people to have late marriage after 24 especially when families cannot support marriage expenses which includes Mahr [dowry) or engagement parties which is high and reach in some places over thirty thousand dollars. Such obstacles have invented new types of marriage among young and old men and women.

 Marriage types in the Arab and Muslim countries:

1. Normal marriage: which is widely practiced and common in the society, where the engagement and marriage ceremonies are recognized. This type of marriage is highly encouraged as a legal matrimony practice. Any deviation from such marriage which includes the principles of legal marriage in Islam, have less value and therefore, prohibited except in the following types.

2. ‘Urfi marriage: unannounced secret marriage, between a woman and a man, usually it is wider among university students and city employees. It does not cost much, and does not need furnished family home.

3. Secret Marriages: In Islam, marriage to be valid, has to meet certain requirements such as ishhar (announcement), the payment of the mahr (dowty), the consent of both parties, the permission of the wali (woman's guardian, a father or old brother or uncle), and the presence of witnesses. (Read box IV for a question answer dialogue between a woman and legal authority.) 

4. Shigar Marriage: In Islam, this type of marriage is prohibited. It is a marriage is when someone condition to marry a woman, to let the woman's father or brother to marry the groom daughter or sister.

Ibn Umar (Allah be pleased with them) said that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar marriage which means that a man gives his daughter in marriage on the condition that the other gives his daughter to him in marriage with- out any dower being paid by either.

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar. Ibn Numair added: Shighar means that a person should say to the other person: Give me the hand of your daughter in marriage and I will (in return) marry my daughter to you; or merry me your sister, and I will marry my sister to you. [Sahi Muslim, The Book Marriage]

5. Mut’ah marriage:The wikipedia defines this type of marriage as: marriage for pleasure, or sigheh, is a fixed-term marriage contract according to the Usuli Shia school of Shari’a (Islamic law). The duration of this type of marriage is fixed at its inception and is then automatically dissolved upon completion of its term. Among Sunni followers, this type of marriage is illegal and prohibited. While Shi’a consist a little more than 5% of Muslims, Sunni Muslims constitute 95%. According to Dr. Gabriele Marranci, lecturer in the Anthropology of Islam at the University of Aberdeen, nikah mut‘ah as a fixed-term form of marriage is not mentioned in the Qur’an. The only mention of Islamic marriage is that of nikah itself.

Also forbidden are married women unless they are captives (of war). Such is the decree of God. Lawful for you are women besides these if you seek them with your wealth for wedlock and not for debauchery. Then give those of these women you have enjoyed the agreed dower. It will not be sinful if you agree to something (else) by mutual consent after having settled the dowry. God is certainly all-knowing and all-wise.(Qur’an 4:24)

The rules of Nikahu l-Mut‘ah marriage resembles a nikah (“permanent marriage”) in many, but not all, aspects. It commences in the same way as a Nikah except that a date of expiration for the marriage is added to the marriage contract and the wife has her rights restricted to some extent. The duration is decided by the couple involved. There are no restrictions about minimum and maximum duration. If the period is longer than what can be reasonably expected to be a lifetime, it will transform into a nikah.

During the period of the marriage, the couple are considered husband and wife, just as in a permanent marriage. At the expiration, the marriage is voided without undergoing a Talaq “divorce”. In case of sexual intercourse, the woman must observe the iddah “waiting period” before she can marry anyone else. Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is considered mustahab (recommended) by the Shia. The Shia also regard it as mustahab (recommended) to extend the marriage or to transform it into a permanent one.

The Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is used in Shi‘ah Islam in various ways: It is used in modern times when people move from one place to another, such as from one country to another. Thus students, workers, scholars are allowed to fulfill their sexual and emotional needs if they are in another country. It may lead to permanent marriage afterwards.

It may be used to satisfy one’s sexual needs. There are no requirements of having a witness, a written contract or permission from authorities (Although some people might prefer to complete the contract in the presence of a learned Muslim).

It may be used to become mahram “unmarriable” with somebody with whom they do not intend to cohabit or have a married relationship, but with whom they spend a lot of time (for example, share a house). In order to ease the hijab “modest dress” rules, they engage in a nikahu l-Mut‘ah, specifying in the marriage contract that no physical contact is allowed.

Two people who live under the same roof but are not mahram (un-marriable) and must observe hijab may engage in a symbolic nikahu l-mut‘ah with the others’ offspring for a minimal amount of time (two minutes or less). The Nikahu’l-Mut‘ah does not need to have any practical consequence, but it will make the parent and the offspring’s husband or wife permanently mahram to each other, and thus no longer obliged to observe hijab rules.

Young unmarried couples may decide to use nikahu l-Mut‘ah as a permissible alternative to zina (Adultry). Thus in practice they engage in something very similar to western relations (that is, there is the potential of permanent marriage), but it differs in that there is a specified time as to how long the relationship is to last, with the possibility to prolong that period.

Some divorced men and women, disillusioned with permanent marriage, prefer to commit for only a few years at a time. In 2001, journalist Camelia Entekhabi-Fard claimed that some women earn money in Qom, Iran, by engaging in temporary marriage with pilgrims and religious scholars, in what she claimed was “a thinly veiled form of prostitution.”

The 2004 documentary Prostitution Behind the Veil depicts women in Iran who engage in temporary marriages, which the film terms “Sighe.”

Although nikah mut’ah is usually portrayed in the western media as a form of “Islamic dating”, there are a few differences between it and modern western dating, mainly:A woman is required to observe an iddah (waiting period) after their breakup, if they have consummated their relationship. It is forbidden for women to “date” non-Muslims, and men are not permitted to “date” women of non-monotheistic religions. The two parties must have a verbal consent, although some Shi’as believe that implicit consent is also acceptable.

I’m sure that many of you will have heard the song by the famous American singer Dionne Warwick – “…Keep smiling…keep shining…that’s what friends are for…” This is a song about friends and friendship, for it is truly a hallowed and revered institution since time immemorial.

Friendship reminds us of all the people that are near and dear in many ways. For many of us, it is difficult to describe feelings about friendship. This is because as humans, we are naturally accustomed to have friends since infancy and childhood. Many of us tend to think about friendship in a spiritual dimension and count of friendship as a divine gift. If we think deeply, most of us will realize that friendship is an imperative and fundamental cornerstone of humanity.

Of all the people that we value in our lifetime, friends are the closest and most adorable of all. Friends truly are those who value us deeply and understand us to the core. They spend their time thinking about us and helping us in thoughts, needs and deeds. For this very reason, it is often said that a friend in need is a friend in deed. They guide us in our decisions and provide us with strength and courage to face the world and its many tribulations.

Friends help us overcome obstacles in life with their constant companionship and camaraderie. Friends protect us from harm and provide us with warmth, affection, fondness, and constant company. Friends provide comfort and solace whenever we are away from our family. There are times when we feel broken and lonely. It is exactly at this time when we realize how important friends are to us. At times we feel closed to the world and in desperate need of support and understanding. Friends reach out to us and provide us with compassion and kindness.

In fact, it is mostly because of the kind-heartedness and thoughtfulness of friends that we regain our lost directions in life. It is through their very benevolence and goodwill that we feel secure protected from harm. In fact, there’s so much to friendship that there’s a special day set aside to it. Called Friendship Day, it is a special day celebrated to commemorate friendship and honour this age old institution.

In the United States, Friendship Day is celebrated on the first day of August of every year. This tradition is in vogue since 1935, when the U.S Congress dedicated this day to honour the special meaning of friendship. In 1997, the United Nations declared the famous cartoon character Winnie the Pooh as the official Ambassador of Friendship Day.

Since then, many countries internationally have started celebrating Friendship Day. This occasion is now celebrated in India too. Various countries celebrate Friendship Day in a variety of ways. For example, National Friendship Day is celebrated on the first Sunday of August, Women’s Friendship Day is celebrated on the third Sunday in September, International Friendship month is celebrated in February, while New Friends week is celebrated in the month of May. People generally express their feelings with each other about friendships day by exchanging gifts. Folks send gifts, cards and flowers to their friends in order to express how deeply they value each other’s friendship.

There are many popular ways in which we can express our sentiments and emotions on Friendship Day. Friendship bands are a very popular gift among friends. These come in attractive designs. Generally, these are appreciated by people of the younger generation. Flowers are yet another way of conveying our feelings on Friendship’s day. Attractive show pieces are also extremely fashionable as Friendship Day Gifts. The same can be said about decorative pieces also. Young boys and girls often choose a variety of chocolates to express their emotions for their friends. Soft toys are also another novel way of expressing our warmth and affection for our friends. Other notable items include books, music cassettes, CDs, and a variety of stationary items.

Friends appreciate and like friends the most. Material gifts are just a way of expressing the idea that as friends we need each other and appreciate their company for a life time.